Sunday, May 19, 2013

My Story

I want to give you a little bit of back ground of who I am, and who God has been in my life. I did not grow up in a Christian home where we talked about any kind of religion, but  there was always something within me that believed there was a God I just didn't know how to connect with him. At 13 I was molested by my grandfather while my mom and dad were out of town.. and it caused me to spiral into a world of alcohol and depression. At a party at the age of 14 I remember laying on the ground  after nearly drinking myself to death saying God if you are real just let me wake up tomorrow I will find a way to serve you. The next morning sure enough I was alive but seriously not so well! A friend invited me to church the next day (strange coincidence right?)  I remember walking into the church and the pastor preaching about a loving God who would never leave of forsake me, who had a plan for my life. And that day I gave my life to Christ. Shortly after that my parents moved and I stayed behind moving in and out with several people trying to trust and constantly feeling like I was overstaying my welcome. It is a hard thing to be a teenager and not feel like you have a true home to go to every night, worried that you may come home and it may be the last night someone wants you in their house.
   I remember God just holding my hand through the tears, the pain, never really letting on that I was hurting, alone or afraid. Always seeming so strong and fearless, but deep down inside I was just a lost little girl, looking to Jesus to find every ounce of strength I had. And He didn't let me down, He never left even when I messed up and boy did I mess up! I found myself hopelessly bouncing in and out of relationships with men, giving myself in hopes that I would gain love. Unfortunately all I found was that I felt more worthless than ever. One night I decided that I would run from God, and if He really loved me, truly loved me He would come after me. Not my finest moment to test God in. I got into a club and all my friends left without me, I found a ride home and before we left the parking lot I saw my friend Jeff and everything within me screamed GET IN THE CAR WITH JEFF! I did. And God spared my life that night. The person I was going to ride with got a mile down the road his vehicle flipped and a fence post went through his passenger side seat. Even though the hand of God saved me I still ran. One night I received a text on my phone that said "No matter where you are I will always love you, love Dad." I sat on the side of my bed and wept and gave my life back to Christ. He took care of me, put people in my path to remind me that He wasn't going anywhere, wasn't giving up, would not relent because I was his daughter. And to this day, I am grateful for a jealous God who searches us out, call us from birth and does not let up.
    All my running did have consequences. I had contracted an STD while out doing what I was doing. And it caused my to undergo surgeries and took away my fertility. When I met my husband ,this amazing South African man, I told him about it and he didn't flinch. He didn't say a word He just accepted me. I knew I would never be able to give him the one thing that he wanted though... a child. Through surgeries and Jesus I was healed of the STD .. but I still I begged God, pleaded, wept, asked, wondered, believed  Him for a child .. and the cycle was a vicious one. I absolutely DID NOT deserve a child,. but everything within my heart sure did want one. After 6 years of the roller coaster of.. I am not worthy, but you God are able, The night before Mothers Day rolled around. A woman from my church who knew nothing of my wanting a baby sent me a text and told me she had a dream I was pregnant and that God was going to give me a baby. I wept that night, thinking what an awful thing for someone to say to me if it isn't true. But sure enough Mothers Day morning I got up, took a pregnancy test.. and this girl was pregnant!!!! It is hard to understand all the emotions I felt of overwhelming joy and thankfulness. But they poured out over and over. I have a beautiful 17month old daughter named Zaylee (meaning- A heavenly divine woman) and a little boy who should be here within the next couple months!
     I tell you all of that to say, that God is a good God. In the words of Misty Edwards "God knew what He was getting into when He called you." Nothing in your life is going to knock him off His throne. He desires an honest heart from us. A pure heart that is tender toward Him, that can come before Him with anything. He is more powerful than any obstacle, more caring than any birth parent, more gracious and kind than Mother Teresa.  Do not be afraid to bring your dirty laundry to Him, your sin filled life and your broken places. He can heal, He can turn it all around. He can do the impossible (as my children are living proof!) Bring it to him, He will clean you up, He will love you like a good Father.. He is able.. we just have to be willing to turn to Him. Be blessed friends.


  1. I have always thought that you are such a sweet soul. I never knew a lot of those things about you but for you to open up about your trials just makes you more of an inspiring person. :)

    1. Thank you Kori for your sweet encouraging words girl!